Reviews

VIDEOPHILIAC

From the warped mind of Donald F. Glut comes a film that reduces women to their simplest form: T&A – all the while maintaining a clever story line filled with a variety of special effects that makes this much more than just another goofy skin-flick.

Here's the scoop: If you can watch a T&A movie in mixed company and the female of the species enjoys the film just as much as the guys, You've got yourself a bona-fide masterpiece. Dinosaur Valley Girls (1996) is such a film.

Not since George Pal's The Time Machine (1960 - Rod Taylor, Yvette Mimieux) has someone put together such a wide variety of entertainment in one package, with the added bonus of a diversified collection of bouncing boobs as far as the eye can see. You'll see time-travel, animatronic and stop-animation prehistoric dinosaurs, cavegirls to rival Raquel Welch's performance in One Million Years B. C. (1966) -- an obvious inspiration -- wild dance sequences with reptiles thrown-in for flavor -- not to mention two extra co-stars for every female member of the cast. 

You will laugh -- not a hard belly laugh -- but definitely more than a polite giggle that you'd expect from a comedy of this magnitude.Tony Markham (Jeff Rector), a failing action actor who's career is begining to resemble the condition of his lungs due to increased stress and cigarrette habit, is having nightmares. Dreams about a beautiful woman with just a hint of animal skin to hide her naughty bits. With increasing frequency, his thoughts are interrupted with visions of the sexy cavegirl. 

TV gossip personality, Daphne Adrian (Griffin Drew) wants to interview Tony to dispel any rumors that his career might be on its way out.He agrees but prior to the interview, seeks out Paleontologist, Dr. Benjamin Michaels (William Marshall) for clues to his prehistoric hauntings. Dr. Michaels finds his story unique and escorts him to a secret storage room where unexplicable artifacts are stored. Artifacts that do not accurately match their carbon dating. The Doctor theorizes that there once existed a place where elements from different time periods gathered, leaving behind artifacts that are unexplainable. He calls the place, Dinosaur Valley. 

Tony's attention is drawn to an ancient Caza talisman. Holding the talisman he closes his eyes and wishes that he "could be with her." He wakes up in Dinosaur Valley, complete with a variety of dinosaurs (provided by SFX team Thomas R. Dickens and Pete Marinello) and habitat. He is first greeted by a group of cavemen led by macho-hunter, Beeg-Mak (Harrison Ray). The meeting is cut short by the invasion of Maka-Keega, the giant, man-eating dinosaur. Fleeing the scene, he trips over a giant bone and falls to the feet of none other than the beautiful Hea-Thor (Denise Ames) the sexy cavegirl of his dreams. Hea-Thor escorts Tony to her cave dwelling that is obviously inhabited by women only. He says, "Where are the men, or is this a pre-historic sorority house?" They find it hard to understand each other as the primitives' use of language is minimal. They struggle to communicate with one another, although even these primitive cavegirls have a common expression that is still used today in the valley, "For sure." Tony is introduced to the Dinosaur Valley Girls, Tam-Mee (Arkeni), Mee-Shell (Donna Spangler), Bran-Dee (Nina Keliiliki), Buf-Fee (Michelle Stanger), Deb-Bee (Staci Flood) and Bam-Bee (Lauren Vea). The women used to co-habitate with the men but got tired of the brutal ways of Beeg-Mak and his thugs, so they split off and moved to their own cave. The cavegirl tribe's leader, Ro-Kell (Karen Black) happens onto the greeting and immediately recognizes Tony as a man -- instinctively, a threat -- and attacks him. Hea-Thor prevents the killing by explaining that she loves him. Ro-Kell is overcome with a nostalgic feeling and returns to her lair to reminisce about her love affair with the cavemen's leader Ur-So (Ed Fury). The cavegirls are not fond of his cigarrette smoking, causing him to cut-back severely. Of course, being the only male in the group, he is expected to perform tooka-tooka on all of the girls. Tam-Mee throws him in the bushes while the other girls patiently wait their turn. After Buf-Fee, he exits the bushes and tries to explain to Bam-Bee that he can't go on like this because he, "Mak--a-loo-la (loves a lot) Hea-Thor." A catfight ensues between Buf-Fee and Bam-Bee. Tony realizes that in order to survive these violent times, that he must train the chronologically-challenged babes, giving them the means to protect themselves. He teaches them to use primitive weapons, karate and kickboxing skills. And there's plenty of thrills ahead as the cavemen ransack the dinosaur valley girl's home and take them into captivity in the style that is customary of the period... then there's the pre-historic bar-room brawl between the cavemen and the girls... several romantic subplots... not to forget the Rambo-esqe showdown between Tony and Beeg-Mac... nor the frequent attacks by prehistoric monsters by land and air... and Karen Black as you've never seen her before. 

If you want to spend a quality buck-and-a-half watching a T&A comedy in mixed company, then you must get your hands on a copy of Dinosaur Valley Girls. If you can, spring for the Collectors' Edition that includes, The Making of Dinosaur Valley Girls, behind-the-scenes interviews and screen tests. 

PSYCHOTRONIC (MOVIE MADNESS)

Caves and curves.

Chain-smoking Hollywood action star Tony Markham may be losing his grip. His cigarette habit is slowing down his martial arts moves, which is starting to slow down the box office for his Feet of Fury series. His girlfriend Daphne Adrian (Griffin Drew) -- and every other girl he knows -- is only interested in him if he can get her a part in one of his movies. And worst of all, he's been having strange visions -- visions of beautiful girls wearing only skimpy furs (okay, relatively normal) mixed with those of huge scaly lizards (call the psychiatrist). 

Desperate for answers, Tony consults a doctor -- a paleontologist, to be exact. Dr. Benjamin Michaels (William Marshall) is only too eager to show his celebrity guest around the museum, even taking him on a tour of the "backstage" area. In a dusty storeroom, Tony picks up a mysterious stone idol with jeweled eyes that Dr. Michaels claims has stumped the scientific community. With the strange feeling that all these things are connected, Tony takes the joking suggestion that the idol comes with three wishes to heart. 

He wishes he could be with the blonde beauty from his dreams -- and instantly he's transported to another time and place. Where? Why, to Dinosaur Valley of course, a twist in the timeline where things from different eras meet. Familiar terrain for anyone who's ever seen an old caveman movie. From One Million B.C. to One Million Years B.C., and every caveman movie in between, all mixed our savage progenitors with more savage beasts, ignoring the many millions of years that should separate them. But hey, who's complaining? The point is to get the dinos together with people they can eat. Now, that's entertainment. 

Before he can wish himself back to the 20th Century, Tony gets in a tussle with a hunting party of cave dudes, who take the idol away from him. Beeg-Mak (Harrison Ray) and his thugs move in for the kill, but are frightened off by a curious Allosaurus. Dazed, Tony is captured at spear-point -- by the girl of his dreams. Hea-Thor (Denise Ames) takes him to her cave (the ever-popular Bronson Cavern) to meet her prehistoric sorority sisters, who have had a spat with the men and set up separate quarters. 

Switching back and forth between the split tribe, we see that Chief Ur-So (Ed Fury) longs to reunite with his beloved Ro-Kell (Karen Black), while she'd like to bury the tomahawk and go back to him as well. But the memory of the men folk's mistreatment is still too fresh. Tony, who is quickly adopted by the lonely Amazons, realizes that it's only a matter of time before the men try to use force to take the women back. He does his best to teach the girls how to defend themselves. 

Don Glut, writer and director of Dinosaur Valley Girls, is no stranger to fossils, though a quick peek at his resume doesn't show it. As a youth, Glut made dozens of amateur films, the titles of some of which somehow snuck into books on genre filmmaking. His writing career spans comic books, novels, Saturday morning cartoons and monster magazines. As a director, he's made films for Playboy, some video documentaries, and the upcoming films The Vampire Hunters Club and Scarlet Countess. But in other circles, Glut is a well-respected and knowledgeable expert on the subject of dinosaurs -- or as expert as one can be without a Ph.D. in paleontology. Capping off a line of dinosaur books by Glut is his massive Dinosaur Encyclopedia, which took over a decade to write and was finally published concurrently with the release of Dinosaur Valley Girls. 

So Glut knows his stuff, and took pains to make sure the dinosaurs -- created through a combination of puppetry and old fashioned animation -- were as accurate as possible. But Glut also appreciates cheesy show-biz culture and exploitation, and wants to make films that are fun. Dinosaur Valley Girls, despite its rampant nudity, reflects his devotion to the values of Old Hollywood. Glut shot a "family" version of DVG -- which is also available on tape, and has played on the USA cable network uncut -- and there's hardly any difference between the two versions really. They're both silly comedies in which a jaded star finds true love and happiness in a simpler time and place. Some of the inane comedy works (the loopy cave-talk language) and some doesn't (too many cute sound effects), but there's an overall spirit of fun-on-a-budget here that's infectious.

Glut, who also wrote a book on the making of the film, provides a fine commentary on the disc. He explains the subtexts of each scene and points out interesting details. Overall, he bemoans the fact that they couldn't afford more time to shoot the film. One gets the impression that an extra day would have made a great deal of difference in how the film came out. At the same time, Glut's complaints illustrate his versatility as a director, motivating the cast and crew, and making long master shots work where more coverage wasn't available. However, many scenes still drag, and could've used some tightening up by editor Tony Malanowski (Dr. Alien, Mutant Species). 

On the disc's B-side, a 24-minute "Making of" featurette, made up of clips and interview footage of varying technical quality, covers the shooting of the film. It ain't exactly slick, but has a pleasant home movie quality, especially during the genuinely funny blooper section. There are also seven minutes of deleted scenes and a collection of trailers for Seduction Cinema titles. 

The casting of Dinosaur Valley Girls followed the old exploitation formula of mixing veteran name actors with energetic youngsters. Shakespearean William Marshall hams it up delightfully. He's a respected stage and screen actor, but most of us know him either as the King of Cartoons on Pee Wee's Playhouse, or from his roles in movies like Blacula and Abby. Ed Fury was a bodybuilding champion who appeared in the schlock classic Wild Women of Wongo before going to Italy to star in a string of muscleman pictures, including Colossus & the Amazons and Ursus in the Land of Fire. Here he displays an unsuspected flair for comedy. Karen Black is a film legend, enthusiastic about working in highbrow and low-rent projects alike. Here she proves that she still looks sexy in a swimsuit at 54.

Jeff Rector is a solid and likeable leading man, and has numerous genre credits, including Galaxis and The Darkening. He had to pretend to smoke. Erotic thriller queen Griffin Drew also appeared in Fred Olen Ray's Dinosaur Island. 

The disc also contains 25 minutes of screen test footage of many of the actresses, showing some very odd scenes in the Front Line Films office. As nice and professional as Glut is, this kind of thing comes off as hilariously degrading for everyone involved. Some of the girls forgot to bring a bikini, and have to make do with stalking around with a spear in their underwear. It's weird, but it also shows that some are clearly better than others. 

Dinosaurs; magic; p-stars Glut, Marshall, Black, Rector and Drew.

"The lead actors are a competent bunch and the attractive starlets playing the cavewomen clearly have the art of running around naked down to a science the animated dinosaurs (effects by Thomas R. Dickens) usually ambitious for this kind of low-budget production.  And it's the only movie I can recall where a dinosaur rips off a woman's bikini top, if that's your idea of a cinematic milestone."  

"You've gotta love a movie that begins with a Shakespeare quote, pauses three-quarters of the way through for a booty-shaking musical number called "Jurassic Punk" (about an Allosaurus) and unleashes enough gratuitous flesh to satisfy the most discriminating connoisseur Dinosaur Valley Girls features a strong script, above-average performances, and some surprisingly sharp satirical jabs at the Hollywood scene."

"My kinda flick.  No dead bodies.  Forty-eight breasts. Karate kick to the head. Two giant pterodactyl attacks. Cigarette-eating.  Two allosaurus attacks, one resulting in cavegirl bra-ripping.  Giant burping lizard. Skull rolls. Cavemen fighting over a prehistoric party doll.  Dancing dinosaurs. Two catfights. One hand-to-hand caveman battle. Gratuitous anti-smoking subplot. Gratuitous topless dance video, featuring gyrating cave girls cavorting in Playboy Channel fashion to the song "Jurassic Punk." Gratuitous Forrest J Ackerman. Three kung fu scenes, with stone clubs Joe Bob [Briggs] says check it out."

"The title is good, the packaging clean and the price is certainly right. [Dinosaur Valley] Girls just wants to have fun, and, for the most part, it does."

"A masterpiece of arrested development!"